College readiness. Not.

My Daughter’s Been at College for Two Whole Days: 12 Text Strings That Challenge My Sanity

Can I Survive Four, or Five or Ten More Years of This?

Photo by Zdeněk Macháček on Unsplash

Two whole days. My daughter’s been at college for two interminably long days and I’m already losing it. Not in a “I need to pick her up right now and lock her in her childhood bedroom until 2036” way, but more like a “I’ve failed as a mother because I didn’t prepare her adequately for the real world of predatory Uber drivers, excessive dorm food carbs, or Cornell method notetaking” way.

I thought I’d provided her with the necessary tools to succeed as an “emerging adult,” as the eighteen-year-old plus set is now called. Wrong. I’ve invested in math tutoring, Girl Scouts, that one season of soccer, vacations to become a “citizen of the world,” and bootcamp at grandma’s house. So she’s ready to spread her wings at college, right?

Here is a mere sampling of my responses to my daughter’s texts in the first two days of college. Text only because apparently phone calls are reserved for financial transactions only.

1. Remember, you take the green shuttle to downtown, not the blue shuttle. Why are you on the blue shuttle again?
2. You met this guy Connor and bowled with him at the student union building? Great. I’m glad you’re making friends and meeting some of your classmates. Wait … is this Connor’s avatar on Snapchat? Is he bald? How old is he?
3. You’ve decided to try out for the intercollegiate soccer team and basketball team? Good for you. Do you know what Division I means? Just keep in mind that you played exactly 4 1/2 soccer games when you were nine and refused to go in the games when your coach asked you to because you were tired. Also keep in mind that you’ve never shown an interest in playing basketball even though there is an eyesore basketball hoop that’s been sitting in our driveway for 13 years.
4. No, I don’t know how to load Microsoft 365 onto your MacBook Air with your student discount. Nor am I proficient in Google docs or sheets or slides or any of its suite of products. That is why you have an IT Help Desk at school.
5. I know she asked you to…